the sassmouth chronicles

Five minutes of Charlie. Guaranteed to brighten even the darkest of days.

About a month ago, I posted about the misbegotten trainwreck that was the Lady Gaga-Madonna sketch on the Ryan Reynolds episode of Saturday Night Live. It was obvious that someone (Madge *cough*) had dropped one or more of their lines, thus destroying the tiny amount of character development required to understand why the ladies go from dancing to brawling.

And now, in a tacit admission that the sketch was a total nightmare, SNL has re-edited the broadcast (which aired again this past weekend) to feature the dress rehearsal version of “Deep House Dish.” And while it’s still kinda lame, it makes far more sense now. Look at Madonna, knowing her lines! And I’m still loving her newest face. Check out the much-improved rehearsal performance above.

I finally saw Away We Go over the weekend, directed by Sam Mendes from a script by Dave Eggers and Vendela Vida. The film got off to a bumpy start, and I found myself remembering A.O. Scott’s acidic New York Times review of the film, in which he condemned it as being smug and mean-spirited.

The opening scenes do come across as passively judgmental and stiffly pretentious, with stars John Krasinski and Maya Rudolph exchanging plenty of “I’m so glad we’re not like these assholes” glances. The actors don’t seem to mesh well with the dialog, and the overall tone is just wrong. I never thought I’d say this, but do yourself a favor and skip the Allison Janney segment entirely. It is gratuitously painful and pointlessly ugly.

But once the characters visit Rudolph’s sister (Carmen Ejogo), the film finally locates and settles into its humanity, and only improves from that point. By the end I’d become completely enmeshed in its emotional pull, and once the end credits had rolled, I wandered around my apartment gazing at things with a beatific smile on my face, as though Alexi Murdoch’s gorgeous score was being piped out of my ears. I looked like an asshole, but that’s okay.

But all of that is beside the point. The point is this: Maggie Gyllenhaal deserves an Oscar for this movie. Holy fucking shit, she was incredible. Seriously, it’s one of my favorite supporting performances of all time. And while Dave Eggers’ writing can be painfully earnest at times (and occasionally in this movie), the unrestrained venom he channels into her character (an obnoxiously progressive gender studies professor named “LN”) is beyond priceless.

I know this is supposed to be Mo’Nique’s year for Best Supporting Actress, but I hope the Academy at least recognizes this inspired performance with a nomination. Above is the only clip I could find from it on YouTube. Check it out.

Here is “Did It Again,” the appropriately titled new video from Shakira’s new album, She Wolf. And it’s appropriate because bitch gon’ done it again! If you thought the choreography in the “She Wolf” video was memorable, wait till you see the bed-top acrobatics she and her dance partner engage in here.

Rich at fourfour has a highly amusing review of the She Wolf album, in which he ruminates on her favorite pastime (peeing on people, but “matter-of-factly”) and her unique voice (“…it’s as though she is gargling a fish. There is something floppy in her throat. Perhaps her uvula is enlarged. I would not put anything past her biologically.”)

Also, in true Shakira form, she’s back with a busload of “extremely special” English lyrics. After all, this is the woman who sang “Lucky that my breasts are small and humble / So you don’t confuse them with mountains” on “Whenever, Wherever.” Here are Rich’s top five lyrics from the new album:

5. [tie] “Nocturnal creatures are not so prudent.” / “I’m starting to feel just a little abused like a coffee machine in an office.” (“She-Wolf”)
4. “Why wait for later? I’m not a waiter.” (“Why Wait”)
3. “I’m so happy I should get sued.” (“Long Time”)
2. “Hope the French fleas both eat you alive.” (“Mon Amour”)
1. “I wish I had longer legs that I could fasten to your body so you’d take me with you everywhere.” (“Long Time”)

The Onion present this helpful guide for moms and dads determined not to let their boys look like sissies on Halloween.

“If you want your child to depict a male-dominated profession, be very careful not to choose one that’s been co-opted by the gay community like a fireman, a cop, a cowboy…otherwise they’ll just end up looking like a stripper.”